I have not written for so long I felt likementioning thatI am (BELIEVE IT OR NOT) Still alive! Sucky stuff had happened tome and I didn'tfeel like updating youonit so I waited for it tostop,and just sort of forgot to start writing again. Willow I miss you man! E-mail me! I'll try and e-mailyou when I have more time. I just left the gym and have to g tomy aerobics class (yes yes, my sport is aerobics, and yes, I do go to the gym before it).
I'm on a new health kick. Going to the gym everyday I get a chance. I feel so much better, like I've accomplished something. I have so much more energy now too. Not to mention it gives me incntive toshower daily. Lol. WellIg2g, I'm going t be late. Love to all of you.
So it turns out that, upon my arrival that I only have to write 3 exams. VS the 6 everyone else has to write. Today was English, which was hopefully the slice I thought it was. tomorrow is physics and then it's math. I chose those! I can't believe myself. Mr Collis gave me a hug today. He gave one to all his students. He is such a cool man. And I bet anything that when he was growing up he wasn't popular or considered cool. Note to self: high school is NOT forever. We're getting candy grams soon. It is like the school reassuring that everyone has friends. I can't wait to get at least one. Ma told me she got me one. And anyone who sends me one gets the same response as to why I didn't send them one "I came after they finished selling them!" I think if I get more than I expect (4... no paritcular reason, just seems a good #) then it will be out of sympathy. That is my theory anyhow. If any come with "sorry..." it is a sympathy/pity thing. I think I may be neurotic however. Or at least anxious. I feel like a relatively incomplete person. I just really want someone to be crazy about me! It sounds so stupid, but it's all I want. Anyone. Just to be cared about. Just to be held. It's cheesy and stupid but it's how I feel. I think I'm making more friends. Hopefully by the time I have to I wont want to leave. What a weird desire. It's like wishing my own unhappiness.
The Enligh prose talked about a boy who loved his grandma very much. How important she was in his life. I cried in the exam hall. No one noticed.
I'm sitting on a couch at home. I should be getting ready for bed, brushing my teeth and joking with my room mate. But I'm thousands of miles away from where I should be. I was ripped out of my bed on Sunday morning, stuck on a flight, rushed to the hospital and have been home since. My Grandpa isn't where he should be either. He is lying in a hospital bed, with tubes and a heart moniter stuck into him. Morphine. He should be at home, lying in the bed that has been his for so many years, with the wife who loves him most. But he can't. He is never going to see his home again. And as of last night, I am never going to see him again either. My grandpa's lungs exploded, his blood is being poisoned, he is bruised and swollen and on a dnr (Do Not Ressusitate). He doesn't know why he's still alive. I am never going to hug him again. He is never going to sneak me jub jub's or make me virgin caesers anymore. He will never see me get married. He will never see me graduate. He will never see me turn 16. I love him so much.
*I've seen your flag on the marble arch, love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah*
So tonight is the night. It was this event, a year ago, when Austin cheated on me. Charming. At least this year things can't be worse. I have a pretty dress, and a date, so what else do I need? A boyfriend would be nice. Lol. There's my personal add. I want to be in a relationship, but I'm honestly tired of looking for one, ya know? Looking for a relationship is so much more stressful. Sooner or later I'll find a boy to treat me right. I think, after one dance with my date, I'm going to ditch Snowball. I dread this night quite honestly. Snowball never does any good.
My live journal is my salvation. I put my most intimate, honest thoughts on here. It's for the friends who I choose to tell about it. So I'm confused at how people at Brentwood know about it. I tell some close friends that I have one, but never have I told anyone my username. So I'm very confused at how someone who doesn't care about, or respect me at all knows about it. And not only do they know about it, they tell other people about what I write on it. Who ever you are I am asking you to leave me alone. This is something for my friends and I can make it so that only other live journal owners can read this, but I don't want to do that because not all of my friends have one. This site is for people who care about me, and clearly who ever went and told Ellen I was writing about Andre on here does not care about me enough to think about how that would make me feel. So please leave me alone. If you don't, I'll have to stop writing, so please don't take that away from me. I had to end my deadjournal last year, stop doing this to me, please.
I am flu bound. Well, actually, since bound says that I'm am heading for flu, and while flu is not a destination, if it were I'd already be there. I'm in flu. My quote for the day is "get better kiddo" I love when people call me kiddo, not in a sarcastic way, but just in that caring way that only certain people can get away with. Mr Henry said it to me, my Math sub. Maybe the fact that he's a sub made me feel even better about it because I'm not going to see him again for a long time, if ever, so the fact that he'd bother to care is nice. Oh and my other quote for the weekend was "I love you Sydney, you're hilarious" from none other than ex supposed Sydney hater Jan Tize! Jan is like my new best friend. Ok, Jan is like my new best big strong German friend.
I wish life could just slow down for any point in the day other than the tediously long 2 hours of prep or the boredom of Sunday. I wish the clock would slow while I'm having a good conversation with someone; something I haven't done in far too long. I haven't spoken with anyone about anything that matters in so long. Not anyone at brentwood. Right now I'm sitting next to one of the most interesting guys in school, one of the guys who I'd like to get to know more than most, not sexually, he has a girlfriend, just because. But we aren't talking. We're sitting in the library and he's stressing over homework and I have my headphones on. I have hung out with Bram for so long that the concept of meaningful conversation seems lost. I feel lost. I want someone to hug me and not want to let go. I want to cry into someones shoulder even though I have nothing to cry about. I want to be close to someone. I don't know who from Brentwood I'm going to bother staying in touch with when I, or they, leave. That makes me sad. There are definetly people I will miss, and when we get year books next year I will, of coarse, along with everyone else, say "Oh I miss Mallory sooooo much!" or "Yeah Erin and Kelsey were so cool." But what doesthat mean? God emotions suck. People here are so closed off. If I just started to talk to Andre he'd probably give a one word answer to my question and continue with his work. I'm blathering and not coming to any conclusion
Oh look, my lung is sitting on my key board. That sucks. Oh and look, angry hornets are attacking it! Gee. Um...in case no one followed that, I'm sick. Got a cough and fever and achey muscles. I'm on dorm rest from sport right now. Oy vey. I feel like dying. Phone's ringin' gotta go...
Hericlitus said that to know day we must meet night, to learn love we must see hate. I feel the two extremes now. To feel the extasy and joy of being with the people I love most I must feel the agony of leaving them. It's going to suck so bad because I'm having so much fun with them. I truly love my friends so much. We do so many fun things that we can't even remember everything we do in one night. we go out star gazing, go whore hunting, go egging, go washroom hunting...all in one night. It's so fun. Orry picked me up my first night home and we went to Humptys at 3:30 in the morning. He was bragging that he got to see me first. I wish I had anyone at Brentwood who thought like that about me. People who love seeing me. I don't have any best friends at Brentwood. I do have people I really care about, like Mallory and Marlee and Austin, but other than that...Mallory is the only one I see frequently. I do love my group of friends...well I like them. I like being around them, though they are predominantly guys, so obviously there are some boundaries to our friendships. I love, honestly love my friends here. We are such a brady bunch group of friends though. We don't rise too much shit. We don't do drugs, drink, smoke or try to piss off our parents. We have fun going to Walmart, watching stars, making deserts. We lay together on my bed and listen to music. These are the friends who come and visit my family when I'm not home. We don't talk about eachother behind our backs, and if we do, it's only to figure out why someone is in a bad mood and to help them to get better. Orry finally was able to tell us he loves us. I love him. I love Reagan. I love Chantal. I have barely spent 5 hours apart form them all break.
Good friends and good music is all I need.
On a side note, I found out how much my dad's bank balance is...Orry and Chantal opened what they thought was a photo album. Oy, it is not something I wanted to know, let's just say that. It makes me feel especialy awkward since Orry and Chantal know. Whenever I say anything about not being able to afford something, Orry throws the figure in my face. *sigh* to be white and priviledged...lol
I have one day left of freedome.
Ok I love coming home, if not only because of the musical revoluntion I get to experience. I get to download all new music for 6 days. YAY! And the thing is, The music I want to hear at the moment is what I download, so next time I come home I'll download completely different types. I love it. And I also just love being around my friends. Last night Orry told me "Sydney I'm hanging out with you tomorrow, so don't make any plans..well other than with the gang," Ha, we're the gang. I love them so much. We have so much fun. I lost my debit card though. Grrr. I need to buy a disposable camera too. Damn everything. I love music so much. It sucks that Chantal and I have such different tastes in music though. She thinks that no actual, real, music has been made since the seventies, or before the seventies. And she hates Bryan Adams. Tres tragic!
I meant Nymphomaniac not Necrophiliac...ooops